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  • Writer's picturejawsh

TDC #1 - Why did I do this?

Updated: Sep 18, 2018

A Weekly Indie Filmmaker Blog

08.30.18 - 09.03.18


Good Morning Guys!

& Welcome to the first post for my new blog -

So grab your coffee or tea, and let's talk.


It's Premiere day,

The most nerve wrecking, nauseating, exhilarating, day in any director's career.

Where the project you've been working on for months or even years finally gets the spotlight. If you're a Director, or just a huge cinema lover, you know that nothing will ever amount to the feeling you get from seeing the other-side and finally accomplishing the story you've always wanted to tell.

But this is close enough.

I can't recall when the last time was I felt this excited to accomplish a long dreamt goal.

I'm 22 years old and after years and years of exhausting myself with consistently and inconsistently giving excuses, telling myself that one of these days I'm finally going to do this.

Just not today.

BUT HERE IT IS! Well it's a start anyways, but why did I decide to make one now? Well the best way to describe it was that I had a "bad day at the office." I moped, got depressed, lost weight, and found it hard to wake up in the morning. Then out of the blue one day, I woke up and decided to take control.

I went to Wix and made my own creative space with the intention of failing again and again, a stadium to watch my progress and content grow more mature throughout the years of practice.

A place for my films to call home if I'm being honest.

What I learned that morning;

I woke up around noon, and re-read an old facebook message my good friend Ryo sent me. His advice came with this inspirational quote from a personal hero of mine when I told him I was feeling down last year.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” ~ Rocky Balboa

One of the greatest teachers I've ever known.

This is an artists odyssey, You have to be resilient when life pushes the tides against you. Whenever I feel down or lost in life, I watch a movie, and Get back up the next day.

(Note: if you are putting your craft as the moral compass of direction in your life, you will never feel like you're not working towards your goal.)


I went to film school in a different country,(Canada) Graduated, Moved to LA, have gone from minimum wage job to minimum wage job, and now I moved back home into my grandma's house which she was sweet enough to let me live in, to save money for my next film.

I'm not saying this will EXACTLY happen to you but chances are if you are an indie film-maker, you will move jobs 3-4 times in 5 years in the same city/country or not. You will go from restless job to restless job, and every dollar you save will end up going back into your films or maybe just rent/food. I get it. It's hard, No one should rather go hungry and homeless over their profession.

No matter how much passion you have.

Plus I found out it's quite common (asking industry friends who have directed a few million dollar features) to move back into your parents/grandparents for a few years to get back on your feet.

But again why am I doing this?

This is something I just decided to do.

I saw I kept putting things off.

Here's a way that helped me realize what I was doing:

Do you have a "List" of movies/shows on Netflix that you always told yourself you were going to watch later but ended up never doing so?

Now Replace the title "My List" to "My life", then replace those movies/shows with goals for yourself. Do you see yourself still doing the same thing?

If you don't, Ask yourself this:

WHY haven't I accomplished this yet? WHY have I been procrastinating on this? WHY am I wanting to do this in the first place? Do I see myself wanting to be where I'm at now, next year?

When I asked myself this, I didn't know the answer. I really didn't.. That sounds bad, and it is.

I felt like I was a goldfish swimming going around the bowl saying "I'm going to leave one day."

I was trapped by the WHY of the situation. The question I had to answer but didn't know how. But when you find the answer it's like finally looking out and seeing the horizon. It's bright, infinite, and full of truth. A beautiful heart-aching reflection of ourselves we all have the choice to make when we decide is right.

After sitting / thinking in a room alone by myself a few weeks ago, I found it.

My WHY Reasoning:

I've been blaming others around me for my own irresponsibility. It's not anyone else's fault why I don't have my own creative space. A place designed full of content and stories of my own hearts desire. What I needed was to stop overthinking and release my thoughts out of the prison of my minds perception and right into the hands of the present physical/digital world. A place where I can talk about films, A place to post my own films, give advice or maybe even insight to those foolish enough (trust me I'm plenty foolish) to take on the journey of an indie film-maker and don't know where to start. To have a channel to practice and fail my craft endlessly.

More importantly, to do it comfortably.

You have to understand this is 99% doing the work

and the 1% passion that helps inspire you to create the work.

Even as I write this, I get this existential wave of pure bliss.

The passion, the spark I thought I was losing for film. It feels back but I know it never truly left in the first place.

This doesn't mean life is perfect now that I'm blogging.

Life is messy, especially if you're an indie film-maker.

At the moment, I don't have a job, I'm broke with a rough cut of a film I shot in july, in a city that I swore I never would come back to till I made it. And now I'm blogging like some asshole.

And I couldn't be happier.

Life happens when you're making other plans.

So here I am, sitting in a Starbucks eating a grossly overpaid turkey and brie sandwich, sipping on my 'red eye' coffee.

(That's a black coffee with an expresso shot for anyone interested in being wide awake to the bathroom)

Whatever gets the job done.

Finally standing by the "WHY" I want to do this and I couldn't be more proud.

If you are in any field in the film industry, or even just another starving artist.

Here is the first thing to shout to yourself before you make the leap,

You are an artist!




TDC's Morning Playlist for this Week:

M -" Grown Up " - Danny Brown

T -" 4r Da Squaw " - Isaiah Rashad

W -" TIPTOE " - Tyler, The Creator

T -" Own Appeal " - Oddisee

F -"The Worst Guys" - Childish Gambino

Slide on your headphones or airpods

& enjoy the rest of your morning before work!

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